I want to Live Like That

Sometimes I wonder, What's the purpose of us being here in Greenville, SC? This is not what I thought God had called us to. Didn't He have plans for us across an ocean somewhere? The last 3 years have been a struggle as Allan and I have wrestled with this issue. We have settled into a life here now, but there are times I still wonder...What do you want me to do now, Lord?

A lifetime ago, I struggled with this same question. I had a loving husband, one little baby and was quite comfortable living the "American Dream". But I knew God had called us out to live a different sort of life. I was wrestling with a change, but I didn't know what. I just knew God wanted us to step out of our comfort zone and into something different. We had talked about missions from the beginning of our dating relationship. Was this the time? What were we supposed to do? With a little trepidation, I approached Allan with the statement, "I think God is calling us to do something radical, but I'm just not sure what it is." Hoping that he wouldn't think I was crazy. I should have known that while God was working in my own heart and life, He was also working in the heart of my other half. Allan's response though was not quite what I had ever envisioned, but it was perfect.

"It's funny you should say that. I have really felt called to go to medical school and then into medical missions. It's crazy, I know. I've prayed God would take this desire away if it's not from Him, but it keeps getting stronger."

For me, this was all I needed to hear. My optimistic dreamer self jumped onto this bandwagon with both feet. My realistic husband, on the other hand, knew this was no easy feat. There were prerequisites to be taken, MCAT testing, applications to med schools where only a small percentage of applicants were accepted and then if all of those things happened there would be 4 years without a salary while he was in school. We prayed throughout the summer and slowly took the first step of faith... Biology and Organic Chemistry at a local college. We decided we would just follow this path a step at a time until God shut the door. It was something we kept just between the two of us. No need to worry the parents or for other people to think we were crazy.

We entered the fall, now pregnant with baby #2, with Allan working full time and taking classes at night. There were times of stress and doubt as we looked ahead to what the next few years would look like. Was this really God's plan? Could we do it? If he got in, the years of medical school loomed large on the horizon. How could we survive with me at home with the babies and Allan in school with no income? We knew God would take care of us if this was His plan, but there was still the feelings of insecurity and doubt.

Late in the fall, as Allan's finals drew near, I went, with my sweet baby girl, to visit my parents for a week. Mom and I worked hard to get our Christmas shopping done. One day we went to a local Christian bookstore looking for just the right gift for my brother. Mom and Emily stopped in the book section to find a book while I headed to the back to find the CD she was looking for. I quickly walked through the section of knick-knacks and art that seems to fill over half of Christian bookstores. No need to stop there. Suddenly, my eyes were drawn to a little picture hidden on the wall among the larger pieces surrounding it. It was a tiny little world map with a key and the verse:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to
harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 

 It was if God had spoken audibly to me. I broke down right there in the Christian Armory. I knew then, whatever plan God had for us would be for our benefit. I bought that picture and gave it to Allan for Christmas. It has hung in a prominent place in every place we have lived ever since. 
Through the next 4 years of Med school, 3 years of residency, and our time in the Philippines, Allan and I reminded each other that if we follow the plan God has set before us, it will be for our benefit, no matter what happens. And in so many ways, it was easy to believe. God blessed us so richly, not monetarily, although we never really struggled in that area, but with the peace and comfort that comes from being in the center of His will; with His guidance and direction into residency and onto the field; with children who were excited with the idea of living in another culture; and parents and family who grieved our leaving yet were able to give us their support and blessing, placing us into God's hands and His plans. 

With excitement, we stepped out in faith and moved a world a way for what we assumed to be a lifetime..... But that's not what happened. I never dreamed 16 years ago when we started down this path that we would be living in Greenville, SC.; that my kids would be going to the local public high school. Yet, here we are making a life for our family, not in some strange foreign place, but in a culture we know well and have always lived in...the American South.  

and I struggle.... "is this right Lord? Is this where you want us? Did I miss something? Were we wrong before?" 

and at times, if I'm truly honest...... "Was I not good enough to serve you there?" 

So on an ordinary Friday, doing ordinary housework, I backed into the wall as I was vacuuming, knocking "the picture" askew on the wall. As I straightened it, those words again went straight to my heart. He "knows the plans" He has for me and His plans are for me to live a life that glorifies Him. To honor and worship Him where ever I may be that a lost and dying world can see Him through me. 

I often pray for my kids to be filled with a passion for God, to not just be good little Christian kids, but to love Him fully, to be passionate for Him; to let Him control every aspect of their lives. And I wonder, is it right to pray something for your kids that is no longer true of myself? Have I let the fact that God's direction for my life didn't follow the map I made squelch my passion for Him? I may never know why we are here in Greenville, but it's time to let go of what was and live in this moment with what He has placed before us here. To live once again recklessly abandoned to Him. 

"I want to Live Like That
And give it all I have
So that everything I say and do
Points to You"