What happened to my little monster?

It was a lifetime ago; long before the days of driving to dinner with friends, baby sitting on New Year's Eve and high school; long before a move across the sea to another land, even before those fun elementary homeschooling days. It was a simpler time before the pressure of SATs, grades and getting into college and a little 3 1/2 year old girl sat with a square pad of paper and a pencil. She drew alone; the Daddy off at med school, the Mommy probably in the shower or taking care of the baby brother. She meticulously drew the same picture on each piece of paper. She had a plan! While no one was looking, she hid those pieces of paper around the house, in drawers, cabinets, under the covers in the bed, any little hide-y hole a 3 year old could find. Wouldn't the Mommy and Daddy be scared when they found them.

Later that day the first one was discovered. "What's this?", the daddy asked the Mommy. The little girl could hardly contain herself, "It's a monster. Are you scared?" She giggled. Over the next few weeks, monsters turned up in all sorts of places, each one greeted with the appropriate "scared" response from the parents. They were typical of drawings by kids of that age, a round circle with eyes, a nose and jagged triangles for monster teeth, 2 stick arms came off each head and an occasional one also had 2 stick legs coming out of the bottom of the head. They were stacked together until there were 30, 35, then more than 40 little monsters. Eventually, monster findings became fewer and fewer and after a while, in an effort to clean up, the mom threw away the stack of monsters. More than a year had passed when one day the Mommy was digging through her makeup drawer and found, tucked in the back under a plastic tray, a little monster. She showed it to the little girl and the daddy and they all chuckled about the monsters before the Mommy tucked the little monster back into the drawer.

Time marched on, and the little girl grew, the family moved, then moved again overseas. The little monster moved along with the family, always living in a drawer with the Mommy's makeup. Occasionally, coming out as the Mom showed him to the Dad and they remembered that funny little girl and her "trick". One day, it came time for the family to return to the US for a year. The monster was packed up and returned with the family. The next year or so was a confusing time as the little girl became a teenager and the busyness that brings. There were a couple of moves as the family settled into life in the states. In all of this, the little monster was misplaced, forgotten and somehow lost.

For some reason, the Mom was reminded of the little monster one New Year's Eve. Perhaps it was because the Mom was looking for something in her makeup drawer or maybe it was that for the first time the little girl wouldn't be home on this night, but instead, off watching someone else's little boy. Whatever the reason, the bathroom was searched, each drawer dug through, the clothes drawers scoured and dumped, but much to my dismay, no little monster was found.

As I look ahead to 2012, I can't help but look back. How did we get here? How did time pass so quickly? Shouldn't my girl be little still?Moving into the new year, I'm excited to see what this year will bring, but it comes at a price and a little sadness. This will be the year that my youngest will learn to drive. It will most likely be the last full year my little girl will live at home. My Dad one time told me that days seem like years, but the years just fly by. I think I was about Emily's age at the time, and I understood the days seeming long as I sat in school each day. Now I truly understand fully what he meant. So my resolution for 2012 is to not get bogged down in the frustrations of each day, but to see the bigger picture, to stop and remember the "little monster" stories that happen during this year. We won't pass this way again and I want to cherish this precious time.

As for the little girl, she still likes to draw, but her pictures have gotten much better. I wish I could show you the little monster, but instead I will have to just leave you with this one drawn just this week.

Home for the Holidays

I vividly remember our first major holiday away from home, living on the other side of the world. I remember it so well because my family seems to like to bring it up and laugh about it.

It was Thanksgiving and we had been living in the Philippines for about 4 months; long enough for some of the newness to wear off. Our ministry partners were back in the states for their son's wedding and we were alone. Being that this was an American holiday and we were no longer in America, it was mostly just another typical day. The kids went to school, ministry continued, but 9000 miles away my family gathered together to celebrate their Thankfulness and stuff themselves with turkey and sweet potatoes. I had tried to talk to them on the phone earlier in the day, but with their house full and getting ready for the big event, they didn't really have much time to talk. I understood, really I did, but that evening as I sat at our table, dripping sweat in the evening heat, and eating our own turkey, I wasn't very Thankful. In fact, I burst out crying at the table. Here is why the kids and Allan like to tease, and giggle, "Haha, Remember that time you cried at Thanksgiving?" I do. I remember it- vividly; a picture imprinted on my brain. (You can read the blogs Allan and I posted about that day here: http://thegilmers.blogspot.com/2005/11/happy-thanksgiving.html ; http://thegilmers.blogspot.com/2005/11/what-we-did-on-thanksgiving.html)

Holidays came and went in the Philippines and I never cried at the table again. We made new traditions, ate with new "family", and while we made great memories during those holidays, I always had a little part of me that longed to be "home".

A few years later, it would make that first Thanksgiving and Christmas back in the States all the sweeter as we gathered around the table with our loved ones.

Each year around this time, I'm reminded of those living and serving around the world. Those Americans who have left hearth and home to bring the reason we celebrate Christmas to others. We have dear friends scattered across the globe, some of them living in countries where Christmas will go mostly unrecognized. My heart and prayers go out to them. But today my heart was touched by another group of people that will once again miss being home with family for Christmas.

The biggest export from the Philippines is her people. Filipinos leave their homeland in huge numbers in order to find work. Called OFW, Overseas Filipino Workers span the globe, in almost every country. Current numbers put that amount around 10-11 million workers, roughly 11% of the population. They are working hard and sending money back to support their families. Each year over 16 billion dollars is sent back to their homeland. Moms and Dads who can't find decent work at home, leave their spouses and kids in order that their families can have a chance at a decent life, food on the table, an education. Often educated, skilled workers take on unskilled jobs such as domestic helpers and personal service workers. Doctors become nurses because they can make more in the United Kingdom as a nurse than as a Doctor in the Philippines. College graduates perform jobs in manual labor, migrant work, construction, and fisheries in the Middle East, Nigeria, and Malaysia. The sad part is, many leave the Philippines for years without being able to return. Unlike the American Missionary, most don't get a "furlough" or home assignment. They are working and struggling to provide for their parents, children, and siblings. This year my heart and prayers also go out to them and to all those far from home and loved ones during the holidays.

CocaCola embarked on a project to help ease the pain of being away from home for a few of these Filipinos as part of their "Where Will Happiness Strike Next" Campaign. Called the "OFW Project", they surprised families by bringing their loved ones home for Christmas. Here is a video about the project. You might want to have a couple of tissues handy.

Growing Up

When I was a child, I spoke like a child,

I thought like a child,I reasoned like a child.

When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.

1 Corinthians 13:11

I knew this day was coming. It loomed on the distant horizon. In the last few months, it seems we have been rushing toward it. But yesterday it finally happened and I didn't know whether to laugh with joyous glee or to weep. As parents, we face little milestones all the time. Some are big and momentous like first steps, potty training, and beginning school. Some pass quietly by, hardly noticed, like no longer leaving on a nightlight or no longer being asked to help button up a coat.

I knew this one was coming though. Over the last 2 years, I told myself over and over; comforted myself in days of frustration that "this too shall pass". Days of walking by his room and seeing the little colored pieces scattered all over the floor. Nights of trying to walk pain free as I traversed in the dark across the minefield of his bedroom. Debates of "should I pick it up or just vacuum it up?" I just never realized that it would be an innocent question, a little casual conversation, that would have such an impact in the growing up process. Who knew that "What were you doing up in your room?" would lead to him asking to put them away. Asking to put up something he has played with almost everyday since he was a preschooler and asked for every Christmas since.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I haven't played with them in weeks."

He's right. His days are now filled with school, football, lacrosse, drawing, friends, youth group, and of course, like most teenage boys, video games. He'd rather spend an afternoon shooting his bb gun or

playing around with the lacrosse stick out in the yard. His creativity and imagination are coming from the end of a pencil these days as he draws and creates page after page.

So there I was last night, while the room was relatively clean and he was off with the youth group, packing up bright little pieces of plastic.

"Are you crying yet?" the voice of my husband came from downstairs.

No, not yet, not then. I think maybe I was too happy to see the mess of them gone. But in the stillness and the quiet of the night, I know I will mourn the loss of what this represents; that my little boy is growing up. He is moving on, becoming a man. It's as it should be. I don't want him to stay little forever, but I will miss that sweet child filled with wonder and innocence. But for now, it's time to look forward to the man he is becoming; to the world that is opening up for him; that the time spent building, creating, and dreaming will help him to not be limited by circumstances but to look for unlimited possibilities for his future. Most importantly, it's a time for me to stop and pray that God will use him and his life in a powerful way.

For now, the Legos are stored away next to the box of Star Wars action figures. Hours of building, creating, imagining, dreaming are up on a high shelf in his closet waiting for another generation to come along and enjoy the brief moment that is childhood.

Star Wars Legos for Will's 10th Birthday in 2007

Beginning again and giving them wings

Hard to believe that I haven't posted to this blog in well over a year. It used to be such a big part of my life. While it was a way to keep everyone posted of our life in the Philippines, it also was my journal of life, joys, and struggles. So even though no one ever probably checks it anymore, I thought I would start again; just for me.

The last time I blogged, both kids were still homeschooling and we were just settling into the new normal of life in Greenville. How can so many things change in a year? Emily started public high school a few months later and got her license to drive in the fall. Will made great friends through a homeschool PE class and began to not miss the Philippines quite so much, shot up 6-7", dropped his voice an octave or two, and today I sent him off to his first day of public high school where he is playing tackle football on the 9th grade team.

Here is a little now and then shot of the kids from long ago and today:

Kindergarten and Second Grade

Today: Freshman and a Junior

Sending them to public high school has been a step of faith. Questions and disapproval have come from some of our homeschool friends, while great support and encouragement have come from others. I understand the questions, I really do and I know this isn't the path that God calls every Christian to walk. I would like nothing more than to hold them close and protect them from all the bad things of the world, but Allan and I strongly believe that God has called us to be in the world, but not of the world. How can they learn to stand on their own 2 feet, secure in Christ, if we don't help them through with stretching and spreading their wings and learning to fly.

Last month, Will and Emily left Allan and I alone for 2 weeks while they had a blast at camp. It made for some deep thinking and praying on my part as I got a taste of the coming school year.The following is a letter written to Will during that time.

Dear Will-

I know you are having a great time, but since you've been gone, I've been thinking about a lot about life and about you and Emily growing up. Going off to camp and going off to school are big things in your life right now. It's a time when you step out from the familiar and the comfortable and into a situation that makes you vulnerable, exposed to the world. Things may be going really good right now and I'm glad, but I know life isn't always easy. No matter how hard your dad and I try, we cannot keep you safe and sheltered forever. We cannot save you from evil, from the bad intentions of others, from those who don’t care what happens to you. As hard as we try to protect you, people will discourage you, fight against you, make life harder for you, be mean to you. We would love to hold you tight and never let the world have a chance to change you, to hurt you.

But we can't.

What can do is pray really hard. We ask God to save you and protect you. We seek His paths for you, even when it seems those paths may be filled with pain and hurt. We rejoice with your triumphs and cry with you when the disappointments come. The world won’t always make sense to you, but we are here for you, to help guide and direct you to the One who can heal all hurts and give all wisdom. We will help you find true joy in life through good things that God desires.

When the rain and storms of the world pound you,and they will, we cannot stop it. But we will hold you. We will brace ourselves as a family and hold tight to the promise that you belong to God first and then us. You will always be ours and all the kisses and hugs and laughter that we share will only make this trip through life that much better. I'm so proud of the man you are becoming. Of the strength as a man you are beginning to display. So many changes will come as you move into high school this year. I pray you will remember to keep God first and that you can always come to us no matter what.

There is a song by Sidewalk Prophets that I love that always makes me think of you. I wish I could write as eloquently as this, but These ARE the Words I would say...

It's Three in the morning,
And I'm still awake,
So I picked up a pen and a page,
And I started writing,
Just what I'd say,
If we were face to face,
I'd tell you just what you mean to me,
I'd tell you these simple truths,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

Last time we spoke,
You said you were hurting,
And I felt your pain in my heart,
I want to tell you,
That I keep on praying,
Love will find you where you are,
I know cause I've already been there,
So please hear these simple truths,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

From one simple life to another,
I will say,
Come find peace in the Father,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way,
These are the words I would say